winter squash
I would like to think that my life is fairly drama free. except when it isn't. I went to bed early last night thinking how nice it would be to snuggle with someone. I woke in the morning to 2 missed calls: two potentially snuggly friends. One with WAY too much history, we'll call him "gutless". We have been playing phone tag for months now. Maybe a year? There was (and still is) no doubt about our feelings towards one another. But for some odd reason, there is no potential for a relationship.
We went through a period of time when we agreed to avoid the distance relationship, and were both content with the freedom of where we were, and the comfort of the occasional visit and warm fuzzy phone call. A month or two ago, he stopped calling. He stopped answering his phone. Unless he had had a few drinks. I was aware that he had been dating, and was trying to "be good" and not "break rules" (rules that were set, not because he was meaningfully involved (which he wasn't), but because it made it 'easier' for him to get over us. (makes sense, aside from the fact that neither of us seemed to really want to get over the other... or maybe i've been fooled).
Why would either of us need to get over it if we only live two hours apart? Did I mention that I'm in Portland almost every other weekend? And that my study area for my masters project is in Portland? And that I will likely move there when I graduate? And that he always tells me "when you move to Portland we can be together again" "we can get married when you turn 32, or 30". Um WTF!?!?!?!
Obviously, he doesn't want to make it work NOW. He wants freedom, with some certainty that he can come back to us LATER. Ummm, doesn't everyone want that? When is later, because as far as I can tell, later is NEVER NOW! Maybe he just doesn't want to be 'mean' by telling the truth... though, i'm pretty sure my judgment isn't that bad.
I returned his phone call, hoping, (unwisely) for some change of heart. Nope... more of the same. "when you move to Portland".... blah blah blah. "too hard to do the distance thing"...
I've definitely been on the other side of this one, so I can't blame him for wanting EVERYTHING, but I do. I wanted an answer. His answer: "I want you there every night, I want you there everyday. I want to be able to call you up, and go to your place to watch a movie, or go to dinner... every other weekend isn't enough. Every weekend isn't enough"
Congratulations to me! Someone loves me, but I'm not worth the extra work, even when I'm the one driving to Portland.
posted by humble bee at 12:48 PM
4 Comments:
so of course what happens here is after much feeling crappy, you find some new boy who possesses guts. at which point gutless says, "oh shit! that's not what i meant! don't you know how i've always felt about you?"
and you say, "yes, remember when i told you what to do about it?"
so if we can all see this coming, why do the gutlesses out there insist on doing it anyway?
thrill of the chase?
my next mission was to enjoy hanging out with geography boy as much as possible.
I've got a bit of sympathy for gutless (just out of school, living in Portland, probably unsure what's next) but basically agree with Jenn ... you can't force him to act and moving on is awful, but it's probably time to move on and find someone worth your energy. And you will inevitably look back and say "it was nice at the time but I like what I have now." You might even do a little fist-pump.
Jeez, I need to check your Bolg 2.0 more often ... I thought you'd abandoned it. :-)
just let the gutless wonder go and do what it is he needs to do, and you get on with your life for the next year where you are, and if you DO move to PDX (and since you are single you are therefore free to move ANYWHERE YOU WANT EVEN OXFORD), oh, sorry, projecting there, but if you do in the end move to pdx you'll have time to have figured out if gutless wonder really is what you want.
Post a Comment
<< Home