transition

There is a special poignancy in the moment of transition, which has its analogue in the pleasure of lingering in a doorway, the transition between spaces. The coming of the Midwestern spring, the setting of the sun, the turning of the leaves in New England, the arrival of the first heavy snow, all heighten the senses of the passage of time.

-kevin lynch

Admittedly the setting of the sun sometimes brings a sense of excitement and warmth, but not always. Sometimes it brings with it a sense of urgency. A reminder of the things I have not accomplished that day, though time seems to have passed without my noticing until that very moment. It sometimes brings a sense of loneliness i can't explain, a need for introspection. Once the last traces of the sun are gone and the stars are shining, or the moon highlights the trees, i'm happy again. It is a feeling I don't understand but one that has always been with me. Content with time, realizing that the day isn't really over and time has not stopped i carry on and wonder about why I sometimes feel this way, even though I fight it with all my might. So I tell myself 'Just walk through the door, and the stars will come out. The transition never feels good.'

I fight it like I'm fighting the familiar settling sense of loneliness of a new place without close friends. I always think i'm going to do it right this time. I'm going to be crazy and independent and meet people and get involved. I remind myself as I always do in a new place that my close friends have not gone anywhere; I can call them, write to them and share with them everything I'm thinking of. I should feel fulfilled. I've met a ton of people and explored the city. Last night I found myself with a group of friends at the farmers market urban climbing then sharing beer and stories and planning a sea kayak trip for this weekend. I wrestled in the Ivy and talked about going climbing at the gym tonight. Yesterday Jerry dog and I drove to my grandma's old house and walked along the creek we played in as kids and scoped out bike routes. But the days are filled with scheming of how to be more independent before I drive my few friends crazy with neediness. Also, I don't like being needy. Also, I like being independent and crazy. Also I like being busy and motivated and connected. I've talked to a lot of people, but have not made any good connections. Craigslist friends, solo bike adventures in hopes of meeting new people to add to our group of friends, work opportunities? But how then will I finish my thesis?

don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying myself, but new places always seem to be more challenging for me than for other people. how do people make connections so quickly? It is just not one of my greatest skills, but i'm working on it.

Time. Sometimes it just takes too long for my taste. The doorway seems to last forever in a new place.