stuck on repeat

Every now and again I feel myself giving up. Giving up on trying to find work, make friends, finding fun and exciting things to do with my time here. I know this problem is mostly if not all in my head. I have a great job. Being hired was like meeting 11 new friends instantly. But I have not made enough of an effort to initiate playtime with them. And so I feel lonely, longing for the friends I could call up without a plan and expect a great adventure or a quiet cup of coffee or a crazy night out dancing to wonderfully terrible music.

A few days ago I sat down to put the endless stream of uncertain thoughts down on paper and to release them from the swirl in my brain. I opened my journal accidentally to the section for January of last year. To my surprise and relief I found almost exactly what I was about to write: sleepy, unmotivated, frustrated with myself for not feeling more outgoing, feeling guilty about feeling guilty about doing nothing. And I realized how hard winter has been for me when the gray skies and shorter days creep up on me. For the record, there have been many years with happy winters, but usually they involved snow, lots of dancing, groups of close friends helping each other through the cold months. It is only when I forget to allow myself these necessities that I fall into this pattern.

The entry was both unsettling and reassuring. Unsettling because I realized how hard some winters are for me; reassuring because it doesn't feel permanent, because I know when the sun comes out I will be myself again, because somehow this news is empowering me to do something about how I feel.