The List.

Everyone seems to have a list of the things they would do if they didn't have to work, if they didn't have to write a thesis or study for an exam. This is the list of Things to do when I have more time. My list is miles long, but unfortunately is completely intangible. I have never written it down in full. I realize now that was bad planning, but I'm managing quite well. I've taken to making it up as I go.

I've been, what I consider to be, unemployed for 3 months, and looking for work for 6-7 months. During this time I've gone through periods of denial, rest and relaxation, pure joy, frustration, depression, and have settled on contentment. Why? The roller coaster of job-hunting is just that: a roller coaster. It is unpredictable, rough; sometimes it turns you upside down and leaves you wondering why you got on in the first place. But there is also a sense of exhilaration and a subsequent feeling of exhaustion once the adrenaline has worn off.

In the meantime, I've learned to be happy about my mostly unemployed life. I've learned to start checking things off the list, or at least starting the check mark. This, when I look at it from this point of view, helps me to recognize where I should feel a sense of accomplishment, instead of the guilt I feel for not doing something else, for not having obligations.

I have to point out the difference, however, between busying oneself out of fear of silence, out of fear of real problems. I believe many people avoid confronting problems by overworking themselves, and feel lost and distressed without the crutch. This is not how I feel. I'm happily busying myself with things that feel good, that make me happy. I have nothing to run away from, not even silence. And so, I throw myself into the list, choosing the right one for my mood.

I've been nerding out on world music, politics, and national news, listening to hours of NPR each day while I work on other things. I've developed a crush on Ira Glass, the host of This American Life on WBEZ Chicago, the world's greatest storyteller. Okay, maybe not the greatest, but certainly one of. I've buried myself in natural history books about this area, and researched local projects and organizations. I've learned about wine and coffee and tea and architectural standards. I've tried building paper lamps. I went camping by myself in Big Sur.

And so, here I am for the first time (in my entire life, I think) taking full advantage of the possibilities of THE LIST.