hermit crab

Small and soft in the middle, hermit crabs have undergone a series of adaptations that have allowed them to squish their little abdomens into salvaged seashells for protection. As the young hermit crab outgrows its first set of armor, it will abandon them for a new model, one more suitable for roaming about the seashore. Should there be a short supply of armor, crabs may be forced to fight to the death. Fortunately for them, they can willingly abandon limbs to escape from a fierce hold. However, the point of this blog is not hermit crabs. But they might be a decent analogy for the walls we, as Homo sapiens, erect to protect ourselves.

From what? I don't know, deviant cave men? Selfish shellfish? Bug zappers? At any rate, my salvaged seashell is in need of an upgrade. Or a downgrade, a major downgrade. In fact I would love to have a much smaller shell than I currently have. My shell is so thick I don't even want to be friends with people who are trying to be friends with me. I've been trying to get to the bottom of this, but I'm not sure how to remove myself enough to understand why I'm feeling so walled-in.

But, I have a theory: walls beget walls. Why is it that when one person is unwilling to let down their guard, the other person is just as stubborn about it? Is there really a shortage of armor? Not likely. People are comfortable with others who are comfortable with themselves. This, as I have learned can be very deceptive. And this is nothing I've come up with, but it has taken a lot to drill it into my head.

I suppose this talk of hermit crabs was provoked by the fact that I can't separate my friend-world now from my work-world. I also haven't been as confident as I would like (possibly because I've been rejected in the work world so many times recently). I haven't been as open and happy as I would like.

This all would be fine with the exception of once certain someone, T. who seems so interested in OUR friendship, so confident, so open, yet some days seems to have no respect for how hard I work. Don't get me wrong, she works her ass off, and she is much more efficient than I, as she has been working there 3 years. But I don't really know how to take it when our assistant manager always thanks me sincerely for the good work, and T. always tells me I've done something wrong. Thanks! I'll try to remember that. Thanks, I'll try to do better next time... But the stubborn side of me rebels and admits that I do much better work under people who give me more responsibility, under people who respect how hard I try.

What it really comes down to is this: I'm tired of the superficiality I've cultivated in my relationships with people here. I've tried to open up, to let down my guard, but I've been unsuccessful in many cases (though I feel I have made quite a bit of progress in others). But I don't know how to appropriately confront these issues without alienating anyone; without hiding permanently in my shell.