appendices

Today I came to work with Andrew. I thought that removing myself from the distractions of being at home or the urge to wander around town would be good for me. I figured being around some good working energy was just the thing I was missing. I figured I would actually get something done on my thesis if I was pretty much tied to a chair and a desk and my computer without access to the internet. But here I am once again staring blankly at my computer screen, playing with the mouse scroll wheel, hoping that some good will come of the 8 hours i'm spending in front of my mess of a thesis. I'm secretly fearing an inevitable panic attack that will hit me in a few weeks when I realize yet again that I haven't accomplished much on my project and time is running out. I'm secretly fearing missing my deadline and fucking up my presentation. I'm secretly fearing getting that phone call in 4 years at the 7 year deadline from the department telling me that my course work will be no good if I do not present and submit my thesis within the next term.

All i really want is a couple people with good working energy in a room where I have a desk with lots of light. i want it to be quiet but not too quiet, and i want it to be my full time job until I finish. i want mini deadlines and rewards. i want buddies to be going through this with me. i want coffee. I can't seem to keep my own deadlines. My classmates are MIA and we aren't on much of the same schedule anyway.

I used to be great at forcing myself into panic mode. I used to be great at forcing myself out of bed at 4 or 5am to get up and work on projects that most people wouldn't dream of working on for another few weeks or months or so. And now i'm just stressing about not stressing. I have crazy writers block and feel like I can do nothing about it.

I spend hours staring and scrolling and staring and rearranging and feeling like i've made more of a mess than a paper. And it seems to be getting messier. But I suppose when I clean my room i usually throw everything in the middle. Then i clean out the corners. Then I put everything away. And I usually still have several boxes of stuff labeled 'miscellaneous shit' that I don't know what to do with. That will be the appendix.

Part of me wants to keep writing this blog, or make up other blogs to write so I can avoid working on my thesis for a bit longer. Because it is a mess and i don't want to look at it anymore. I want to throw it away.